They’re Watching!

Tonight my wife will be treating our grandchildren to the pantomime, that curious British mix of humorous, slapstick, musical drama that has entertained Christmas audiences for the last couple of hundred years. A type of theatrical performance which absolutely baffles foreigners because of its tradition of men playing women and women playing men and of all the ludicrous things that happen during it.

I shall be resting indoors with the two dogs enjoying the peace and quiet of an empty house. In my mind’s eye, however, I will hear our grandchildren shouting out at the top of their voices, ‘He’s behind you!’ or ‘Oh, no he isn’t!’ And I can visualise them ducking when the water, or pretend water, is thrown at the audience or their surprise when the genie suddenly pops up in a cascade of pyrotechnics. I image also their reaching out desperate to catch the sweets that are always thrown out by one or more of the leading characters.

These are happy memories from the past. Memories that will not apply to children going to see a production of Aladdin in Barrow, Cumbria, because the killjoys and jobsmiths in the local council have forbidden the throwing of water and sweets or the customary pyrotechnics on health and safety grounds.

A council official, who obviously is not an aficionado of pantomime, said that the rules were necessary to ensure no members of the audience were injured during the performance. Christopher Biggins, Britain's most famous pantomime dame, correctly summed the situation up as ‘idiotic and ludicrous!’

What’s the betting that Barrow Borough Council send one of their jobsmiths to watch Aladdin every day to check that the rules are being followed?

Watch out! He’s behind you!
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Different

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, the day on which most Americans are indoors with their families celebrating the start of the festive season and enjoying the traditional turkey lunch.

It is also the one day in the year when American shops are closed and the roads are free of traffic. Indeed, there was one year when, together with two of my colleagues, I drove from Los Angeles to Las Vegas by way of the Mojave Desert. It was a wonderful drive for, until we got into Vegas, we encountered no traffic to speak of.

The day after Thanksgiving is quite another thing and is known as Black Friday. This is the day that the stores commence their Christmas sales. Some folk queue up to be the first into the malls and stores when they open, and stampedes resulting in injuries are frequently reported. In sharp contrast to the day before, the roads are jammed with traffic heading towards the shopping malls.

Except for those who have visited America, the term Black Friday is mainly unknown in this country. Yet this year a number of online sales companies have declared this week to be Black Friday Deals Week.

Of course, the difference is that traffic is unaffected and no-one is going to be injured doing their shopping online!
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The New Year

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So here we are. After weeks of preparation and expectation, Christmas has come and gone in a flash.

The conversation is about Auntie Caroline getting tiddly and talkative on Christmas Day, what young Peter said to upset his mother and how Grampa Grumpy spent most of Boxing Day afternoon snoring away contentedly in in his armchair. The shops are full of folk spending money in the seasonal sales in advance of the increase in VAT. The rubbish tips are filling up with the leftover food, wrapping paper and unwanted cardboard.

One definite sign that Christmas is over and that the New Year is rushing up upon us is the weekend’s newspapers and television programmes which are full of boring and repetitive reviews of 2009. I don’t want to know any more about 2009. It was not a notable year as we all know and I will not trouble to include a mini review myself.

I would prefer to look forward to the New Year which, in any event, is the time to look forward, make resolutions and be generally positive about things.

So, maybe 2010 will be the year that we have a new grandson, the year that my family will all stay healthy, the year that we come up on the lottery and the year that we can make a trip, first class of course, to Japan to see the cherry blossom.

Maybe, just maybe, it will also be the year we get some proper government and that our savings and pensions will actually be worth something - though, perhaps, that is asking too much!
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Dreams

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In his traditional Christmas sermon Pope Benedict XVI focused on the needy around the world, praising the work of the Church to help relieve suffering.

The Archbishop of Canterbury in his Christmas sermon focused on present society which forces children to grow up too soon.

Both are right, of course.

Inspiring as these homilies were, I warmed to the sentiments of the Bishop of Exeter who felt folk should try to live out their dreams for Christmas 2009 and into 2010 rather than merely wish for things they didn’t think would happen.

It’s an interesting thought. Not just to dream but to take action to bring them about.

Which, is what I think the Pope and the Archbishop were also saying in their own way.
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Get A Life!

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We’ve had the Bishop who tells us that some Christmas carols contain nonsense, that we should be embarrassed singing them and that we’ve made something akin to fairy tales from the Christmas story. We’ve had the council who replaced their annual Christmas fir tree with a much more expensive artificial one that has since been vandalised. We’ve had other councils who have elected not to put up street decorations on the spurious grounds of health and safety.

Now we’ve heard from an outfit funded by the government - that means you and me! - who tell us not to eat our traditional Christmas puddings because the ingredients they use up damage the environment. They seriously expect us to eat more sprouts, cheese and cobnuts.

These people should get get a life and leave our Christmases alone!
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It’s Your Fault!

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Some daft paper-pusher in Poole Borough Council decided that the erection of a Christmas tree in the town centre would be dangerous to the public if it toppled over in the wind.

So, instead of coming up with ways of making sure it didn’t topple, he or she came up with the idea of commissioning a 33-foot tall, green ‘traffic cone’ weighed down by two tons of ballast. At a cost of £14,000 instead of £500 for a fir tree.

We probably have idiots like this in our own local council. But, remember, it is we who voted them in.

So, for the people of Poole, it’s your fault!

[The fake tree was subsequently vandalised and replaced by a real one!]
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How Very Sad!

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For some years as part of fundraising efforts for my local service club, I used to write personalised letters to children who sent their Christmas wishes to Santa Claus. A number of service clubs still do this, and the letters received from innocent children are an absolute delight to read.

But, alas, the dark shadow of paedophilia has fallen across the town of North Pole in Alaska, for the US Postal Service are no longer sending them mail addressed to Santa Claus at the North Pole.

Why? Because a registered sex offender was found to have been working on the programme last year. and, as a result, the US Postal Service now prohibits volunteers from having access to children;s names and addresses.

Volunteers in North Pole used to ensure each child got a reply signed by a Santa elf and bearing the crucial North Pole postmark. But no longer.

The town’s Mayor has agreed that caution is necessary, but has compared the action of the US Postal Service as akin to the Grinch trying to steal Christmas.

How right he is. And how very sad!
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Makes Sense To Me!

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If you pay a visit to Rochdale, you might be surprised to see council workmen putting up the street lights three months before Christmas.

But the good burghers of Rochdale are not daft but are, in fact, trying to save ten grand of taxpayers’ money. For The Muslim festival of Eid arrives next month and the Hindu Diwali festival is celebrated in October, so the lights can be used over three celebrations.

Makes sense to me!
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Happy Christmas?

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Rail and postal strikes, economic downturns, typhoons in Taiwan and China, war in Afghanistan, and 'Mandy’ Mandelson in charge of the government for a few days (has anything changed there?), etc., etc.

In the midst of all this bad news, Selfridges have already opened their Christmas shop. And good for them as Christmas is the one time of the year when we can forget all the bad news for a few days!

Happy Christmas!
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