Where’s The Cash Now?

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Questions about cash are raised in a couple of stories this morning.

The wailing and gnashing of teeth about the alleged cricket fixing by members of the Pakistan cricket team increases in intensity day by day. If proved true, it is of course a disgrace and those involved should be dealt with appropriately.

At this time no-one has been charged with an offence. So what happens now to the £150,000 in ‘readies’ that the News of the World handed over to the alleged fixer?

Questions about cash have also been raised in Japan where officials took a closer look at Tokyo’s oldest man who had been drawing his pension until the age of 111. Alas for his daughter and granddaughter, who have now been arrested, it seems that the man in question died thirty years ago after his mummified remains were found last month.

Police are now looking to see what has happened to the nine million yen (around £68,500) he is said to have drawn for the last thirty years!
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The Green Flash

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Walking with the dogs and a chum of mine yesterday morning, we were chattering about various natural phenomena such as peculiar cloud formations and the Northern Lights, etc.

He asked me whether in all my journeying around the world I had ever seen the fabled Green Flash. I was able to say that I had once seen it at sunset from the deck of a ship, though I now forget where we were at the time.

Until I saw it for myself, I always considered that the Green Flash was some story concocted by old sea-dogs to wind up landlubbers such as myself. I thought it most likely to be in the same league as being asked where the ship’s Golden Rivet was; when the unsuspecting victim of this unlikely tale wanders round asking other members of the crew where it is, it quickly dawns on him that he is the subject of a practical joke.

The Green Flash is caused by a momentary refraction of light in the atmosphere and most likely to be seen in clear air, when more of the light from the setting sun reaches the observer without being scattered. According to Mike Dworetsky of University College London the Green Flash is, ‘an astronomical, or rather, an atmospheric, event. When conditions are right, at the last moment of the setting sun, its upper edge or limb blazes with an emerald green color for a few seconds before disappearing below the horizon. Few people have seen the green flash, yet it is one of the most startling and colourful of sunset or sunrise phenomena, requiring patience and good luck to be seen.’

It is certainly true that many of my old seagoing chums have never seen the Green Flash. This is not surprising when you learn that it lasts just for a second or two; blink and you might miss it though the chap standing next to you may have seen it.

The Green Flash features in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies to signify that someone has escaped from the Land of the Dead. Well, why not? It’s as good an explanation as any other.
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The Croissant

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Tesco’s have announced that their sales of croissants have increased 35% in the last year. They say that more Brits have got a taste for croissants ‘thanks both to the coffee shop revolution of the 90s which made them very trendy and supermarkets which have made them affordable.’

Curiously, since they also say that sales of bread have remained the same over the same period, this might suggest that we Brits are simply eating more bread. Only time and increasing waistlines will tell.

It is interesting to read that the croissant is not, as most of us believe, a French invention but a 13th century Austrian one, known as the kipferl. In 1839 an Austrian, August Zang, opened a Viennese bakery in Paris and the kipferl became so popular that it inspired imitators, ultimately becoming known as the croissant due to its crescent shape.

I have yet to taste a croissant produced in this country that comes anywhere near a typical French one. Our own local baker gives it a brave try, but his efforts come nowhere near the light fluffy, buttery croissants you find in just about every little French village patisserie and bakery.

Sadly, until we find a decent croissant, we will be sticking to Hovis for our morning toast!
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The Chuggers

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I’ve said before that I don’t like having to travel up to London. Quite apart from the noise, dirt, the traffic and the inconvenience of it all, there are the charity touts that accost you at the entrances to railway stations across the capital.

I learn this morning that these touts are called ‘charity muggers’, and it is an apt term for they are difficult to avoid. Even to return a greeting will often result in an apparently harmless conversation that inevitably leads to a request for a donation. On the very few occasions I have shown an interest in the charity concerned, I’ve lost that interest as soon as it becomes clear that I would be required to sign a direct debit rather than hand over a bank note.

It is now revealed in a BBC investigation that even though charities pay huge sums annually to the private fundraising firms employing these ‘chuggers’, they often don’t see any of the money donated because the firms’ charges are so high. It also seems that some charities pay the chuggers £100 or more for every signature they collect but, because more than half of the donors cancel their direct debits before the end of the first year, they end up receiving less than they paid out.

It seems to me that there is a case here for the government to take a look at what is going on and, perhaps, to insist that charity collectors make it crystal clear whether they are collecting directly for a particular charity or for a private fundraising company.

That might clip the wings of the charity muggers!
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Decluttering

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It is good news that the Government has called on councils to reduce the clutter in our streets.

Driving is difficult as it is, and the number of signs we are forced to check out only makes life more difficult. In my own area some of the roads have varying speed limits, various traffic cameras and any number of other signs warning us unnecessarily of things that are otherwise obvious. London is even worse with signage, good as well as bad, with the additional complication of bus lanes that apply some days and not others.

It was interesting to see that the removal of street clutter from Kensington High Street had reduced accidents by around 47%. I’m not surprised as this means that there are fewer signs to distract drivers.

The government has also called upon councils to reduce the amount of street furniture such as railings, bollards and advertising hoardings. That is also a good thing.

Curiously, there has been no mention of the extraordinary amount of paint applied to British roads. Much of that in my humble opinion is unnecessary and could also be reduced with significant savings.
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Of Course!

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My wife says that duvet covers are awkward to change and, on the odd occasion when I’ve been called to assist by holding the duvet inside its cover by the corners while she tussles with the rest, I have to agree that she is right.

But now a 43-year-old lady, Joyce Burt, from Leeds has come up with an invention that hits you as being so obvious, you wonder why someone else didn’t come up with the idea years ago. And that is to have buttons round three sides of the cover instead of one!

The young lady made covers for her friends who liked them so much she patented the design and launched her own company which sells hundreds online and in local stores. Now her invention could make her a fortune when her covers are sold through high street stores.

As the meerkat in the television advert says, ‘Simples!’
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Interesting Facts

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Here’s an interesting fact that might help anyone attending a Quiz Night in their local pub: In the 637 years between 1351 and 1988 all the new crimes fill just one volume of the criminal law record, Halsbury's Statutes of England and Wales.

Here’s another interesting fact that might help also: New crimes introduced since 1989 fill up three volumes of the law record.

Since Labour came to power, over 3,000 new crimes were entered on the statute books ,though many of these were ‘slipped in’ on the say-so of quangocrats without being debated in Parliament. Now the Law Commission say that since 1989 breaches of red tape that ought to have been dealt with by civil courts have been elevated into crimes and that at least 1,500 of these should now be scrapped.

More importantly, they say that no crimes should go into the statute book without full-scale Parliamentary legislation and scrutiny by MPs.

Which is how it should have been!
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Wow!

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One of the many stories this morning grabbed my attention.

This was of the 70-year-old so-called pensioner, who had previously spent four years in jail for drug dealing, who was stopped for a minor motoring offence in Kent. Police were surprised to discover a holdall in the car containing £80,000 which the man explained was to buy a pair of trousers.

His previous conviction suggested that there might be more cash lying around somewhere, and the police searched his home. They discovered £500,000 stashed in the toilet cistern panelling and another £51,000 in a wardrobe. And the result of those discoveries was that the man had a total of £763,901 confiscated by a court.

The man will find living on a state pension very different to what he might have been used to. But, on the other hand, he can get a decent pair of trousers in Sainbury’s for just a tenner!
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Sentient Machines?

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A senior astronomer has suggested that the good folk looking for signs of extraterrestrial life might alternatively start looking for signs of ‘sentient machines’.

Doesn’t this suggest that he is implying that the good folk looking for these signs needn’t bother looking for the beings that invented these machines?

But, of course, I’m no scientist. What would I know?
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Standing In Line

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A while back my local supermarket installed a bank of self-service checkout terminals. Because the number of manned checkout desks were reduced, customers are forced to use these wretched things when the other desks have long queues behind them.

Supposed to reduce queuing, the self-service terminals, in fact, make things much worse. Got a CD or DVD in your shopping? - then call an assistant for help. Got a high-price item with a security tag on it? - call an assistant. Got a bottle of wine? - then call an assistant to verify that you are over 18 years of age. Press a wrong number when you finally get to pop your credit card in the machine and an assistant has to be called to sort things out. And so it goes on.

Try to take your trolley of shopping to an empty check-out desk that is for baskets only and the chances are that you will be sent away by the bored and unhelpful assistant.

It comes as no surprise then that research by the Grocer Magazine has shown that average queuing times for staffed tills at Tesco and Sainsbury's, the retailers with the most self-service checkouts, have increased over the past two years. And a separate survey by the Sunday Telegraph, found that in stores offering a choice between staffed and automated tills, it is often quicker to choose the traditional method.

Technology when it works is fine but, as we know, chaos results when it does not. As for our local supermarket, I’ve given up with the automated checkouts and just stand in line with all the others!
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Not In My Day!

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Research by a management consultancy has found that council staff waste two-thirds of their day as a result of poor supervision by managers who only spent three percent of their time checking what their workers were doing.

The researchers found that managers were busy carrying out ‘administrative tasks, while outside their office their staff were clearly under-utilised’.

I suppose that this comes as no surprise to any of us really. But what is surprising is that the same research found that staff in the private sector only spent 44% of their time productively.

All I can say is that things were different in my day!
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Nice Work If You Can Get It!

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‘If I couldn't make a difference anymore I'd go off and do something else,’ Gordon Brown said in a television interview just before the General Election. ‘Sarah and I might do charity or voluntary work, I don't want to do business or anything else. I just want to do something good.’

But now in an exclusive interview with the Spectator it is reported that Brown has asked a leading after-dinner speaking agency to find speaking engagements for him at a rate of $100,000 a night. Plus five-star hotel accommodation, a first-class flight and three business-class flights for others travelling with him. Sarah could also accompany him to some engagements for an additional $20,000.

So much for ‘charity or voluntary work’ if this is true. But it’s nice work if he can get it!

The question is: Does anyone want to listen to him?
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The Whole Point

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In advance of the Lib-Dem’s annual conference next month, the party’s Deputy Leader has called for a veto on policies put forward by the Coalition government.

It’s an interesting idea. ‘We only want the policies we want.’

The whole idea behind a coalition was that two parties would work together in the interests, not of the parties, but of the country. Something that the Deputy Leader of the Lib-Dems would do well to remember.
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Utter Isolation

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My internet provider’s servers broke down yesterday.

I couldn't read or send any emails, post my daily blog, order the trousers my wife wanted or even the CD I had forgotten to order last week. I couldn’t get uptodate with the news save what I read in the morning newspaper or saw on television, nor check a couple of references I was interested in researching online.

It’s ridiculous I know, but I felt completely isolated from the world and realised how dependent I am on being able to access the internet.

It made me think also how much time I spend sitting at my computer during the day though, in truth, I’m now so wedded to it that I’m not sure what I would do otherwise as a good many of my activities stem from my being able to get online. I’m sure that this applies to many others.

As it happens, I had a clinic appointment and that alleviated my frustration somewhat and the first thing I did on my return was to check my internet connection. And, wonder of wonders, I was back online.

Whoopee!
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Grave-Robbing?

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In November 1985 I was privileged to be able to attend a private showing of the first photographs taken of the wreck of Titanic given by its discoverer, Dr Robert Ballard, to the law firm that once represented White Star.

Twenty-five years ago, the dim and slightly fuzzy photographs of the Titanic, lying on the sea bed over two miles below the Atlantic, were jaw-dropping. Of course, since then a number of ‘expeditions’ have been down to the wreck and nearly 6,000 objects have been salvaged from it. The deteriorating wreck has also been visited by others who can look but not touch it.

In interviews afterwards, Dr Ballard said that he regretted not having claimed salvage rights because recovery of anything would have amounted to grave-robbing; had he done so then everything would have been protected. However, he did not and since then various organisations have laid claim in several courts and jurisdictions.

A US Court will shortly rule on the issue as to whether or not the artefacts recovered from Titanic should be sold through the court and the proceeds passed to the company which recovered them or, alternatively, whether the company should be given title to the objects.

In the end, as in so many other things, the issue to be decided boils down to money and, perhaps, that is a sad epithet for those who perished on that ill-fated voyage.
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The First Hundred Days

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This week marks the first hundred days of government by a Coalition, and most of the newspapers have something to say about it.

So it is no surprise that a recent poll showed that 57% of those polled described the Coalition’s efforts todate as ‘disappointing’. Given the mess that thirteen years of Labour misrule left the country in, this is fairly understandable.

On the other hand, 56% of those polled said that deep cuts were essential to restore Britain’s finances, and 48% felt that tax rises were essential. At least some people recognise the mess this government has been left to clear up and the steps that have to be taken to deal with it.

Whatever anyone says about this government, at least they are demonstrating that they are trying to solve all the many problems!

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Officially Over!

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Here we are halfway through August, the height of so-called summer, and we have had the central heating back on for a couple of days.

Our lawn, such as it is with two dogs in the house, was badly parched a couple of weeks ago and is now as green as it could possibly be thanks to the rain we have had in the last few days.

Is it any surprise then that the Met Office forecasters have told us that summer is already officially over and that wet weather is predicted until November?

I think we already had an inkling that this was the case!
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Happy Independence Day!

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Today is India’s Independence Day, a national holiday on which the country celebrates its independence from British rule and its birth as a sovereign nation. All across the country there will be flag-raising ceremonies and patriotic speeches.

Today is also the day on which the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel in Mumbai will be officially reopened after it was extensively damaged by a terrorist attack in November 2008 in which 167 people were killed and many others injured.

In the days when I was usefully and gainfully employed, I made a number of trips to India and it was a country I came to love very much. Despite some of its squalid areas, it is a wonderful, vibrant country full of amazingly varied sights and sounds. And, as might be expected, I enjoyed its food. Its people are extremely energetic and it is no surprise that those Indians who emigrated subsequently prospered by their efforts.

I have many fond memories of my visits to India.

On this day I shall recall a visit to the Red Fort in the walled city of Old Delhi, capital of the Moguls until the last emperor was exiled by the British in 1857. In celebration of the day the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, will raise the national flag above its ramparts and deliver a speech which will be broadcast nationally.

And I shall fondly remember also my visits to the Taj Hotel, opened in 1905 and still one of the world’s grandest of hotels. Of stays in the old, colonial-style part and also of stays in the ultramodern tower that was added in the 70’s. I shall remember the warm greeting given to guests on arrival by one of the saluting doorman, the beautiful sari-clad staff and the general air of courtesy and charm of every employee there.

There are many other things I shall be reminded of today.

Chief of these will be to remember the many friends I made during my visits there.
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Very Odd!

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One of my pleasures at the end of each week is to log on to the BBC website and watch the latest edition of Newsbeat’s Odd Box hosted by Dominic Byrne - go to www.bbc.co.uk/news and search for Odd Box.

This week’s edition features new-born babies, swimming dogs, folk variously swimming in a New York dumpster, dressed as pirates, wandering around naked or making pig impressions. There is also a cross-dressing mayor, monks cleaning a huge statue of Buddha and a series of so-called sculptures by an Austrian artist. There are ten oddities shown each week and this week’s collection is no exception.

It is the sculpture exhibition in Salzburg that attracted my attention this week, for it consists of three dozen gherkins of various sizes standing upright on plinths which the artist explains are self-portraits.

You can make your own mind up about what this might mean but it never ceases to amaze me what some ‘artists’ get away with, and are presumably paid for, and how gullible the folk are who wander round galleries such as this one believing they are looking at art.

A gherkin for your thoughts!
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Friggatriskaidekaphobia?

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This is Friday the 13th and because I was curious as to why so many people seem afraid of it, I took a closer look into its origins.

Like other people, I had always assumed that the fear of this day, which occurs one to three times each year, was linked to the crucifixion. Though this is partly true, I found that there were a whole bunch of theories about the day and the fear of it, called friggatriskaidekaphobia (or paraskevidekatriaphobia if you prefer and can pronounce it!), so you can pretty much take your pick.

Numerology is said to regard thirteen as an incomplete and therefore unlucky number. Since at least medieval times, Friday has been regarded as an unlucky day because that was the day on which Eve is supposed to have offered the apple to Adam (though how anyone could have known that is a mystery to me!) and on which the crucifixion was thought to have taken place. Norse mythology apparently considered that having thirteen at a dining table was unlucky and an indication that one of the diners would die within a year, and this belief may have gained credence in later times because there were thirteen attending the Last Supper. Others say that this particular day is an amalgamation of Friday and the number thirteen. There are a variety of other theories.

One thing seems to be clear and that is that the conjunction of Friday with the number thirteen isn’t mentioned in written form until it appeared in an 1869 biography of Rossini the composer who like other Italians regarded Friday and the number thirteen unlucky; for him it may well have been, for he died on Friday the 13th of November 1868. In Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, while both Friday (‘an unlucky day’) and thirteen (‘unlucky’) are mentioned, today’s date doesn’t get a mention until later editions (‘A particularly unlucky Friday’).

It is interesting to note that in the Spanish- and Greek-speaking countries, Tuesdays are regarded as unlucky days and that Tuesday the 13th is regarded as especially unlucky. In contrast, the Chinese regard thirteen as being lucky, as did the ancient Egyptians.

According to some sources, fear of Friday the 13th is said to be the most widespread superstition in America. Many US cities do not have a 13th Street or Avenue and many buildings don’t have a 13th floor. For some, a morbid fear of this date prevents them from starting a project or trip, arranging an important engagement, driving their cars or even changing their bed sheets.

Me? I’m not the slightest worried about today. I’m staying in bed and well out of trouble!
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Cloning - What Is The Point?

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I don’t understand what all the recent fuss about cloned beef entering the food chain is all about.

In this country, the sale of food from a cloned animal, or the offspring of a cloned animal, is illegal. However, as is so often the case where there is a variance between the regulations applied here by the Food Standards Agency and those by the EU, it is said that it is probable that thousands of cheese and meat products on sale in our supermarkets come from cloned animals.

In contrast, a couple of years ago the US Food and Drug Administration ruled that meat and milk from cloned animals were safe to eat. Since then cloning has begun to improve meat quality and most Americans would seem unconcerned about it, though it is fair to say that the leading whole food chain in the US has banned the use of cloned products.

If producing cloned cows, sheep and pigs to improve stocks is something which is considered important, why should not their meat be eaten?

There seems no point in cloning otherwise.
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Glorious - Fun For Some!

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It is the ‘Glorious Twelfth’, the day on which thousands of the privileged from around the world will descend on British and Irish moorlands with shotguns raised to kill grouse.

They will all be in luck as this year’s ‘season’ is expected to be one of the best in recent years as, despite a long, hard winter, the birds have thrived.

The Natural Environment and Fisheries Minister has said, ‘These extraordinary wild birds have shown remarkable resilience.’

He may well be right, but today ‘ain’t much fun for the grouse!
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I Quit!

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Long-suffering workers around the world, fed-up with dealing with rude customers, arrogant and sexist bosses are cheered by a couple of stories this morning.

The first concerns an American air steward, Steven Slater, who was so enraged by a stroppy passenger who swore at him on the plane’s arrival at New York after a flight from Pittsburgh, resigned in a most spectacular way by announcing it over the plane’s public address system and then, after grabbing a beer and his luggage, exited via one of the emergency chutes. He was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and reckless endangerment and, if convicted, faces up to seven years in jail.

Not only did Slater launch himself out of the plane by means of an emergency chute, he has launched himself into stardom on Facebook as a folk hero among those who have to put up with abuse at work. Tee-shirts are now being sold with ‘Free Steven Slater’ and ‘I Slide ... For Slater’ on them. He will doubtless be interviewed on US talk shows and may well become a television personality earning a lot of money in the process. Of course, he could always fall back on his career as a flight attendant if another airline would risk employing him!

Then there is the young office worker, Jenny, who announced her resignation by emailing her colleagues a photograph of herself holding a white board with the works ‘I Quit!’ written on it.

In revenge to her boss, Spencer, she also circulated a number of graphics telling everyone, among other things, that her boss was sexist, had called her a ‘hot piece of ass’ in a phone call she overheard, had a bad temper, smelly breath and spent most of his time playing a Facebook game.

[This last actually turned out to be a hoax but may inspire others to follow the same path!]

If true, that’s another way of packing in a job and ensuring that you wouldn’t get a decent reference afterwards!
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Not In The Chorus!

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I am not part of the chorus of bleeding hearts protesting against government plans to stamp out benefit fraud by using the expertise of private agencies.

I pay my taxes and have no trouble whatsoever with private agencies having access to government databases of incapacity and housing benefit claimants thought to be fraudulent. I have no trouble with the prime minister’s call to members of the public to report suspected benefit cheats. And I definitely have no trouble at all with incapacity benefit claimants being required to undergo ‘fit to work’ medical checks, especially as it turns out that three out of four of them have been turned down since tougher rules were established in 2008.

An astonishing one in three of benefit claimants is suspected of making fraudulent claims at some point, and benefit fraud generally is currently estimated at costing the country in excess of five billion pounds. At the last count, there were around sixty-one million of us living in the United Kingdom. If we discount the six million people of working age who are claiming benefits, that’s £91 a year for every one of us who pay taxes. I’d rather save that rather than give it to fraudulent layabouts.

The prime minister also promises to crack down on the administrative errors that cost a further £1.5 billion. Good - that’s another £27 a year saved for each and every one of us!

One thing the government could do in my view is to put a cap on the benefits paid to families or those living together. That would put an immediate brake on such instances as the jobless Somerset couple with nine children who receive £3,500 each month in benefits. That’s a lot more than some families earn by working!

It is clear that the whole benefits system needs clearing up and simplifying. And, hopefully, this is the government that might be brave enough to do it.
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Much Sorrow

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The morning news is dominated yet again by the plight of the millions of people affected by the monsoon flooding in Pakistan.

Like many other folk we have sent a donation to the Disasters Emergency Committee, but this hardly seems enough even though there is nothing we can physically do to help.

It is believed that around 1,600 people have so far died, though this figure may be understated due to the remoteness of some of the areas affected. Overall, the flooding has so far affected 14 million people in a 600 mile trail from Pakistan’s north to the Punjab and on to Upper Sindh.

Monsoon water levels have reached a danger level at a key flood barrier in Pakistan’s southern province of Sindh which may eventually face as much devastation as that in the northern provinces.

Flooded land and crops, roads, bridges and railway lines washed away, deadly landslides, the inability of the military and aid agencies to reach some of the remotest areas. The misery that this is causing to so many people is quite unimaginable.

It is a tragedy said to be worse than the asian tsunami or the Haiti earthquake and our hopes are that the people affected may soon get adequate relief in terms of shelter, food and water and, more importantly, that international aid will continue for some time to come.
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Secrets Revealed?

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For those interested in learning the secrets of the Great Pyramid of Khufu, and there must be many of them yet to be discovered, news that another robot is to explore the shafts leading out of the Queen’s Chamber is very exciting.

The shafts present something of an enigma. Some scholars think that they were used for ventilation during the building of the pyramid, while others think that they have a symbolic or religious purpose since the northern shaft is aligned to the circumpolar stars Minoris, Ursa and Beta, while the southern one is aligned with Sirius.

Discovered in 1872, the shafts were not capable of being explored properly until 1992 when engineer Rudolf Gantenbrick used a small robot, UPUAUT 2, which rumbled along them until stopped by a limestone slab in which two pieces of copper, now heavily corroded, had been inserted. In 2002 two other robots took a look and discovered that the northern shaft was similarly blocked. One robot was able to drill through the southern door only to find yet another door behind it.

Perhaps, just perhaps, the speculation as to what might lie behind these doors is about to be revealed as yet another robot is to be sent crawling through the shafts.

A robotics team sponsored by Leeds University School of Mechanical Engineering, working with the Egyptian authorities, is putting the finishing touches to a machine which they hope will solve at least one of the pyramid’s mysteries. Under the name of the Djedi Project, it is hoped that this robot will be able to drill through the second door and, by the end of this year, shed light on what lies behind it.

I for one can hardly wait!
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Wordy

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Words, their meaning as well as their spelling, seems to be featuring in the news recently.

Take for example a study of 3,500 Britons by market research company OnePoll.com. They found that ‘separate’ was the most commonly misspelt word in the English language and that this was followed by nineteen others that folk struggle to spell: definitely, manoeuvre, embarrass, occurrence, consensus, unnecessary, acceptable, broccoli, referred, bureaucracy, supersede, questionnaire, connoisseur, a lot, entrepreneur, particularly, liquify, conscience and parallel.

The reasons for this were said to include the widespread use of spell-checks on our computers and the current fad for predictive text messaging on our mobile phones. I might add that poor education must also feature largely in the equation, especially as the recently published SATs results showed that more than a third of pupils left primary school during the thirteen years of Labour government without a proper grasp of the three ‘R’s’.

Computer spell-checks are all very well but if a word is very badly typed, the software may not be able to find the correct alternative spelling and insert something else. The operator must also remember to switch the spell-checker from an American dictionary to an English one. I expect it is for this reason that I see more and more American spellings creeping into some of the things I read.

As for mobile phones, most of them now have predictive text. Type in one letter and the gizmo tries to guess what the next letter will be - sometimes incorrectly if the person isn’t watching what its doing. There is also a form of shorthand used by texters which seems to be understood by others though, as it happens, I can’t be bothered to text for I just use my mobile as a phone. So if I got a text which included the letters CM (call me), OMG (Oh my God), SLAP (sounds like a plan) or CMB (call me back), I’d have to find a texting dictionary to understand what is being meant.

Words are sometimes seen at first glance to be gobbledegook while a closer look quickly shows their meaning. As for instance in the following example which has been widely circulated on the internet:

‘Arocdnicg to rsceearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.’

Curiously, it appears that no such study has been carried out by Cambridge University but, on the other hand, it does go to show how our brains scan words and tries to makes sense of them.

Similarly the spoken word, even if pronounced incorrectly, can be understood, as witness the mangled language of comedian and comic writer Stanley ‘Deep Joy’ Unwin. Which of us of my generation can, for example, forget his parody of the introduction to radio’s ‘Children’s Hour’ - ‘Are you all sitting comftibold, two-square on your botty?’

Of course, there are other examples of comic language, but what they usually have in common is their comprehension. The spoken word is one thing but, insofar as the written word is concerned, it is correct and uniform spelling, and thence comprehension, which is necessary.

The Oxford English Dictionary is the arbiter of how things are spelt in Britain. It contains over 300,000 main entries and hundreds of thousands of combinations, phrases, etymologies, cross-references and quotations. You can get it on disk or, alternatively if you like handling paper, then you will need room in your bookcase for its twenty volumes.

Interestingly, a researcher for a project undertaken by Kingston University in London has uncovered what is described as a ‘secret vault’ of millions of words rejected for inclusion in the OED but which are occasionally kept under review. These include:

* Dringle – the watermark left on wood caused by a glass of liquid.
* Earworm – a catchy tune that frequently gets stuck in your head.
* Espacular – something especially spectacular.
* Furgle – to feel in a pocket or bag for a small object such as a coin or key.
* Peppier – a waiter whose sole job is to offer diners ground pepper from a large pepper-mill.
* Polkadodge – the dance that occurs when two people attempt to pass each other but move in the same direction.
* Quackmire – the muddy edges of a duck pond.
* Whinese – a term for the language spoken by children on lengthy trips.

Now that’s the sort of research I like!

As I type this I’m furgling for a hankie to wipe off the dringle on my desk while trying to get rid of the earworm I have after listening to the espacular Hymn to Red October!

Deep joy!
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Out Of Control

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I am a great supporter of the police who I know from my work with them do a difficult job under difficult circumstances, often hampered by unnecessary regulation, political correctness and too much paperwork. But now and again, like people in any other walk of life, some of them seem to go off the rails.

Witness the video, widely shown on television, taken by the camera in a police patrol car of the apprehension of a motorist driving a Range Rover in Monmouthshire.

His vehicle was followed by a patrol car for seventeen minutes until it was finally stopped when a ‘stinger’ device to puncture its tyres was deployed on a country road leading to Usk. Two police officers then ran to the car; one jumped on his bonnet and tried to kick in the front windscreen, and the other smashed the driver’s side window with his baton fifteen times before the driver was pulled out of his vehicle and roughly handcuffed.

On the face of it, you’d have thought that the driver was a very dangerous criminal to be followed by a police car, to be stopped by a stinger and then have his car and himself treated so very violently.

But no, he was a 70-year-old disabled man with a heart condition who had previously been stopped by police when they saw he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. During the seventeen-minute ‘chase’ afterwards the confused man kept within the speed limit under the impression that the following police car was escorting him to his home.

The incident was a disgrace to Gwent police and it is right that the two officers have been suspended pending an investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission. There can be only one conclusion to this sorry saga and it should serve as a warning to other police officers that violent treatment of this sort has no part to play in modern policing in such circumstances.

I hope also that the terrified driver of this vehicle receives a substantial amount in damages to compensate him for repairs to his car as well as the rough and unnecessary treatment he received at the hands of two officers who appeared to be totally out of control.
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May I Borrow Your Biro, Please?

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I had need of something to write with yesterday and asked a young receptionist if I could borrow his biro. He looked quizzically at me and, realising he didn’t know what I was talking about, I asked to borrow his pen.

It made me think how many brand names have entered our everyday language. Just a cursory thought is enough to remind us that the words hoover, astroturf, coke, formica, thermos and portakabin, for example, no longer represent only a brand but the generic products themselves.

We usually refer to musak when we hear the music being played in supermarkets and other places, to velcro regardless as to its make, and xerox, tannoy and dictaphone without thought to the manufacturer of the machine we are using. Durex has one meaning in this country and another in places such as Australia where it is a brand of sticky tape which, over here is often referred to as sellotape.

Look more closely into the subject of genericised brand names and trademarks and you realise just how many there are: aspirin, butterscotch, cellophane, escalator, linoleum, jacuzzi, frisbee, scotch-tape, frigidaire, portaloo and tippex are just a few instances. All these and the other names mentioned above have been registered in one way or another.

Mr László Bíró, the inventor of the ballpoint pen in 1938, had no idea that his name might come to refer to all ballpoint pens, at least to my generation. But his is an example of how a trademark or the brand name of a very good and useful invention, often copied or improved by others, becomes generic.

And, in so doing, often enters our everyday language.

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A ‘Bit’ Extreme?

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A 48-year-old musician living in Grand Rapids had been having trouble with his foot for some time and had put off seeking help until giving in to pressure from his wife, a nurse, and making a hospital appointment.

In the meantime, he had an evening on the whampo, came home drunk and passed out in bed. When he woke up, he discovered that his terrier dog, Kiko, had nibbled part of one of his toes off. His wife rushed him to hospital where doctors found a bone infection, an undiagnosed diabetic condition, and amputated the rest of the toe.

The man says that Kiko did him a favour in uncovering his condition but it was an extreme, if apparently painless, way of finding out!
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So Sad

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The saddest story of the day is the discovery of a reclusive Wheathampstead, Hertfordshire, woman who appears to have died in bed some weeks ago, leaving her quadriplegic daughter unable to help herself and to later die.

The suffering of that poor woman, who was paralysed from the neck down, knowing that she could not help herself and was destined to starve to death, is both tragic and unimaginable.
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Where’s Mummy?

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Hot on the heels of the story that Tokyo’s oldest man turned out to have died thirty years ago (see my blog for 31 July) is news that Tokyo’s oldest woman is missing.

The lady concerned is said to be 113 years old though Japanese officials have found that she has, in fact, been missing for decades. Her daughter says that she hasn’t seen her mother since the 1980s.

The discovery, an unsolved one as yet, came to light when local officials started checking the elderly after they found the mummy of the person who was thought to have been Tokyo's oldest man.

One can only hope that this mummy is not a mummy also!
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A Disgrace

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The Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act was introduced in 2000 to give police and other bodies the power to carry out surveillance on those suspected of involvement in serious crime or terrorism. Since its introduction, there has been much anger that some local councils have used the powers for things quite unrelated to those the legislation was meant to cover.

Yesterday the Investigatory Powers Tribunal ruled that a family put under surveillance by Poole Borough Council, who merely wanted to check that a family lived in a primary school catchment area, was unlawful.

The present government is reviewing the use of surveillance powers as part of its Counter Terror Review but, in the meantime, the Tribunal’s decision will send a warning to other councils who abuse the legislation.

Commenting on the Poole case, the Housing Minister was correct when he said, ‘Town halls are not the secret service or the police, but surveillance powers designed to tackle terror and the most serious crimes have been over-used and misused.’

Many of us feel that we are being over-watched and so any move to curb the sort of powers used by Poole Borough Council is to be heartily welcomed. That they even thought of using RIPA in this case is nothing less than a disgrace.
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I Wonder ...

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I was listening yesterday afternoon to one of my favourite pieces of music, Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in G minor. It was being played by the virtuoso Daniel Chorzempa and, from watching a church organist as a youngster, I could visualise the dexterity and accuracy of hands and feet that this piece of music requires.

Born in Eisenach in Germany in 1685 and taught by various members of his family, Bach was an accomplished musician. At the age of fourteen he was awarded a choral scholarship to study at St. Michael's School in Lüneburg. His two years of study there gave him a grounding in a variety of musical forms and instruments, and it is possible that here he was also able to play the school’s organ.

At around the age of eighteen or so, Bach composed his famous toccata and it occurred to me that this piece, along with many other pieces of 18th century music, is still popular not only among fans of classical music but, in different formats, by others who do not even realise they are listening to classical music.

I have, for example, over a dozen different renderings of the toccata. They include Jacques Loussier’s laid-back piano version, Vanessa Mai’s vibrant violin one, Wendy Carlos’s atmospheric synthesised one, Myleene Klass’s pop version ... as well as others played by orchestras, brass bands, flute, guitar and a variety of other instruments.

The toccata has wound its way into popular culture. It opens, for example, the 1940 Disney film Fantasia, features in various pop/rock albums by bands such as Sky, Deep Purple and Megadeth. It appears in a number of movies to give atmosphere to dark scenes, and also in a number of video games that are so popular these days. And you sometimes hear part of it as an irritating mobile phone ring tone.

All these thoughts led me to another. And that was to wonder what Johann Sebastian Bach would have thought not only about the longevity and popularity of his compositions but of the great range of variations it spawned.

Alas, we will never know.
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Apply Immediately!

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There is outrage at the news that the former Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has applied for the job of Vice-Chairman of the BBC Trust less than four months after her political career ended in disgrace.

I can’t say I’m too bothered about her application, though I’ve noted that a spokesman for the Trust said there was ‘a certain degree of surprise’ when her CV arrived a couple of weeks ago. Whether or not that might give some clue as to her suitability for the job is for others to decide. No, what has exercised my brain is the ridiculous reward to the person being given the job.

Despite recent criticisms about the BBCs ‘extraordinary and outrageous waste’, this job pays an unbelievable £77,000 for just two-and-a-half day’s work a week. Plus, all the expenses the person can claim, of course. How in the present economic climate can it be possible to pay someone such a large amount for doing so little?

We should all apply!
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They Sell Big Knockers!

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I suppose that officialdom in its various forms is not renowned for its sense of humour, and this certainly applies to the Advertising Standards Agency which has banned a suggestive advertisement by a Welsh door and window company.

The offending advert features a topless woman whose breasts are discretely covered by a pair of large door knockers beneath the tag line ‘WE SELL BIG KNOCKERS ...’

One woman complained to the ASA with the result that the company was told their advertisement was degrading to women and had the potential to cause serious offence to some consumers. It, ‘bore no relevance to the products sold’, it sniffly said.

Most people would have seen the humour in the advertisement which, let’s face it, is fairly obvious and which, thanks to the intervention of the ASA, has given the company concerned a great deal of free advertising. Others, of course, may take a different view: one man’s joke is another man’s insult, I suppose.

On the other hand, if this type of officious notice is taken of what is clearly fairly harmless humour then the result is nothing less than censorship. Almost all the of the advertisements seen on television these days, for example, bear little relevance to the products being sold. Is the ASA to spend time and money looking at these? And what would become of all those hilariously saucy McGill postcards sold at seaside resorts?

Life can be pretty dull at times but, in my view, we do not need bodies such as the ASA to take official notice of something that is humorous, does no harm and about which only one person complained.

So the best of luck to Tricketts of Merthyr Tydfil and their big knockers!